Inefficiency
Ugh, my second attempt at WH40K humour. The original script was in Swedish,
but I reworked it to fit the WH40K universe and interpreted it to English.
Hopefully I won’t get sewed for stealing a script, it’s after all just written
for fun and not profits… Original script was written by Claes Eriksson and is a
© copyrighted thingy of him. This is just my own interpretation of this funny
sketch.
Two commissars are sitting in the Officers’ mess hall of a transport
ship. One of them is tall, lean, middle-aged with greying hair, and the other
one is shorter, with blond hair and is younger, mid-thirties, and going to fat.
They are discussing soldiers overall, and the elderly commissar motions to a
passing trooper, whom is a member of the regiment he’s serving with.
‘That man over there, in incredibly inefficient, my dear Commissar
Thall.’
The plump, young man turned to
look at the passing trooper; he then turned back to his colleague. ‘Really,
what makes you think that Unith?’
‘Well, he is, as we say,
anti-positive.’ The older commissar replied, looking sly.
‘Oh… eh… what does that mean?’
‘It means that he could as well
not have been here… ‘
‘Really?’
‘It means that he shows up
zero-results. What he does becomes in the same minute undone.’
Thall looked shocked. ‘How can
that be?’
‘Well, when he does what he shall do, it takes such long time that he doesn’t have time to do what he also should have done and that, the things he should’ve done, turn undone and because it, the things he has done, go together with all things undone, and can’t be used unless it, which is undone, also gets done, so you can say he gets less things done when he does what he shall, than if he hadn’t done anything at all…’ Unith made a pause. ‘As all things done could as well have been undone.’
Thall seemed to stomach this for
a moment before he spoke. ‘Hey, you mean that if he had done less, it had
caused more done things?’
‘No, but it had caused more
undone and it had done less.’
‘Why had it done less if he had
done less?’
‘Because, Thall, he would’ve
reached the same results in any way.’
‘Wouldn’t he have reached an
even worse result if he’d done less?’
‘Nope, not in this case.’ Unith
settled back in his chair and studied the trooper. The young Guardsman was now
aware about the two commissars talking about him.
‘Really, why?’ Thall asked,
taking a sip of his caffeine. It had gone slightly cold now.
‘Because the results already are
the least possible that is; nothing.’
Thall looked very concentrated
as he tried to find an exit in this. He scratched his puffy cheek in thought.
‘You mean that he is totally inefficient?’
‘No, what he does remains
undone, that’s what I mean.’
‘Isn’t that the same as being
totally inefficient?’
‘Nope, not at all.’
‘Don’t underestimate me old man,
I’ve also graduated from the Schola Progenum!’
‘Yes, I can see that…’
‘But he doesn’t get anything
done, isn’t he totally inefficient then?’
‘No, he can become even more
inefficient.’
Thall felt he was losing this
conversational war and did reply with a shaky voice. ‘He can’t possibly become
worse than when you do something and don’t get anything done!’
‘Yes he can, if he works even
harder and still gets nothing done.’
‘Yeah, so what?’
‘He gets even more inefficient,
Thall.’
‘So, how inefficient can he
turn?’ Thall looked at the soldier. He had been watching the conversation, but
suddenly got to better thoughts and things to make undone as the rotund
commissar looked on him.
Unith gestured to the young
soldier to come over to them and stood up to greet him. He patted the young
soldier on his shoulder as he spoke. ‘In my opinion, this man has no upper roof
for his inefficiency. I would like to say that he’s a great inefficient
talent!’
‘I don’t think I understand your
reasoning Unith…’ Thall said, rubbing his temples. This was giving him a
headache. Or was it the caffeine?
Unith chased the soldier off
after giving him one of his smokes. The poor lad had only been there to leave a
message to his colonel.
‘Thall, listen to me; highest
possible efficiency is achieved through minimum input and maximum results,
ergo, highest possible inefficiency has to be maximum input and minimum
results, right?’
Thall looked up at his
colleague, a pained expression mixing with confusedness. ‘What?’
‘Hadn’t you graduated from the
Schola Progenum?’
‘Oh yes!’
‘And as that man still does so
little, he has a long way left to his inefficient maximum!’
Thall finally got something to
grip on and took it with greed. ‘Oh, so if he just worked a little harder, he
would make some sort of Imperial record in inefficiency.’
‘Yes, if he still achieves the
result he always achieves; zero.’
‘Unith… ‘ Thall looked a bit
shrewd as he said this. ‘What is the most inefficient you can imagine?’
‘That is,’ Unith said and arose,
patting his plump colleague on his shoulder, ‘that is to under a long time of
great hardship… not being able to learn to ride a bike…’