An Officer and a Gentle-ED

"Captain, wake up!" a voice said to Eddy as he was coming to.
"Huh?" was the only thing Eddy could get out of him. His armour was dented all over.
"Where are we?" Eddy said, seeing his friends, still unconcious on nearby bunks. After saying this, Eddy took his hand and rubbed his head. All I can say is, that he had one heck of a head-ache.
"You´re on Cardinal Boras, flagship of Commissar Rolf´s battlefleet." the voice answered, who turned out to be none other then Canoness Nazz.
Eddy came to quickly.
"What are you doing here?" he asked surprised.
"When we got message of a Eldarain battlecruiser had flewn past our planet and that Craftworld Plankian had gone into warpspace and disappeared out in the universe, we knew that something was wrong. A couple of hours later, Commissar Rolf appeared with his battlefleet, and said that something had happend on a planet outside our solar system." the Canoness answered as she went over to Sergeant Ed and tried to wake him up.
"What happend?" Double D asked as he woke up. Shortly afterwards, Ed woke up too.
"Yeah, what happend?" Eddy asked and looked on Canoness Nazz.
"Well," she said as she gave Ed something to drink."the Imperial investigators has found traces of plasma on the surface."
Double D got out of his bunk and walked up to the Canoness.
"Don´t say that they bombed the planet." Double D said shocked.
"Sadly so, all evidence points towards that."
Eddy looked at them. Now firstly, he noticed that Double D was about 6 inch taller then Canoness Nazz. Normally, i.e back in the cul-de-sac, Double D was just about 2 inch taller then Nazz.
Eddy got out of his bunk too, and joined Double D.
"Where are the Hive Queens?" he asked seriously.
"They are under medical care. Their armour isn´t as strong as yours." Canoness Nazz replied.
She began walking out of the room.
"Where´s Tycho?" Ed asked and got out of his bunk.
"Your space-ship?"
"Yes." the Eds answered in unision.
"I don´t know." the Canoness said and made a gesture of unknowing. "Ask the Commissar."
Then she left.
Eddy just stood and looked out in the air.
"What is it, Eddy?" Double D asked.
"I just noticed one wierd thing."
"What?"
"Is it just me, or are we acctually taller then in the cul-de-sac?"
"I belive we are taller then normally." Double D said and walked out of the room.
"Where are you going?" Eddy asked as he ran after his friend.
"To see the Commissar." Double D replied chilly.
Eddy shrugged. He´d never seen Double D like this.
"Come on." Eddy said to Ed and so they followed Double D to see the Commissar.

Commissar Rolf stood at the commando-bridge and looked out at all the men serving under him.
He was clad in a coat that was camouflaged in yellow and green. His sword rested in it´s sheath on his back,and a lasgun was also hanging on his back, by the sword.
He was tall, for being only "human".
(Space Outlaws and Space Marines are gentically engineered, therefore they are a bit taller than normal humans)
"Where is this ship heading?" Double D asked as he entered the commando-bridge.
Commissar Rolf turned round and looked at three Space Outlaws in blue and dented armour.
"Ah, you´re awake." he said with the same accent as Rolf home in the cul-de-sac.
"Answer my Lexicanums question, Commissar." Eddy said.
"Of course Captain Eddy. We´re heading home to Callidus." the Commissar said and walked up towards them. He took Eddy´s hand and shook it.
"Commissar Rolf. Leader of the agri-world Callidus Guardsmen."
"Captain Eddy." Eddy replied. "This is Lexicanum Edward and this is Sergeant Ed."
Double D and Ed just nodded in reply.
"So talkative they are." Commissar Rolf said sarcastically.
"You wouldn´t be so very talkative when you´ve almost gotten killed by somebody you trust." Double D said and looked at Commissar Rolf.
"What?" the Commissar asked. "Oh, you mean the Eldarain. The first rule a Guardsman learn is to never trust an Eldar. They don´t think as we humans."
A Guardsman walked up behind Commissar Rolf.
"Sir, we´re approaching Callidus. Orders?"
"Prepare for landing, the city called Vindaree."
"Ay ay, sir." the Guardsman replied and dissappeared.
"Have yourselves a seat. It´ll take at least an hour until we can get out of this ship."
"Ay ay, sir." the Eds replied humorously.
"Ha,ha. You´ve got homour. That´s something I regard highly amongst humans." the Commissar said and sat down.

1½ hour later, Cardinal Boras had landed on a special platform on Callidus. As the giant battle- cruiser was unloaded, Commissar Rolf and the Space Outlaws went off it. When they got out of the skyscraper that was the landing platform, the Eds just stood there, paralyzed. They´d never seen such a big city. The skyscraper they just had walked out of made the World Trade Center in New York look like a basement.
"Coool." the Eds said in unision.
It looked like complete panic in the bee-hive, but under more controlled forms. Most of the humans were Guardsmen that had come with Cardinal Boras.
A hover-craft drove up to the Space Outlaws and Commissar Rolf. It was formed like one of those London-taxis. The Commissar and the Space Outlaws went into it and the driver put course out of the city.
The Eds were a bit confunded. Until now, they had lived rather harsh, but this, this was luxury they´d only dreamt of. Suddenly, Ed remebered something.
"Where´s our space-ship, Tycho?"
"Uhm.." The Commissar began."I´ll show you when we get to my ownings."
"That puts a question into my mind, where are we going?" Double D asked.
"To my ownings, and I have something I want your help with."
After that, the Space Outlaws sat quiet for the rest of the trip.

"Welcome to my home!" Commissar Rolf shouted when they finally got to his ownings.
"A farm?!" the Eds replied in unision.
"This is an agri-world, isn´t it?"
"Where´s our space-ship?" Ed asked a bit frustrated.
"Ok, I´ll show you, but it´s not a pretty sight." the Commissar said and went off to one of the barns. He opened the doors.
"Have a look inside, my gentlemen."
The Space Outlaws went inside. It took a while for their eyes to get used to the dim light. But in the little light that was, they could see the twisted hulk of a Thunderhawk-class space-ship.
"Oh my." Double D said quietly.
"I loved that ship." Ed said sadly.
Eddy didn´t say anything, he just turned his back upon the twisted hulk.
"Did you find it like this?" he asked Commissar Rolf.
"Yes, the dents and melts have been made by Eldarain Bright Lances."
"Bright...what did you say?"
"Bright Lances, a sort of flamer-fusion burner combos. Used to demolish tanks usually."
Suddenly, they all heared a growl. Eddy, Double D and Commissar Rolf readied their ranged weapons. Ed just looked at his stomach.
"Oh, I´m hungry." he said.
Eddy, Double D and Commissar Rolf put their weapons back.
"Heheh." Double D laughed nervously. "I thought it was something else."
"Ed isn´t the only one that´s hungry. Come to think of it, we haven´t eaten for almost a day."
"If you´re hungry, you´re all invited to me for dinner, and tomorrow we´ll deal with my Berzerker problem." Commissar Rolf said and went out of the barn with the Eds behind him.
"Berzerker problem?" Eddy thought when they walked against the main building.

"So Berzerkers are Space Marines and Outlaws who have turned evil?" Double D said while holding something that looked like chicken.
"Yes, and they are specialized on close combat." Commissar Rolf answered.
"This forell-soup tastes like fish." Eddy said and looked down onto a soup plate.
"Forell is fish, Captain." Double D sighed.
"Great octopus, Commissar." Ed said with a mouthfull of it.
"The finest octopus in the galaxy. Caught on Vaporun, water-world." the Commissar said and tried to get onto buissness.
"Now, these Berzerkers have been burning down my crops. And all that grow here, is transported to the Emperors Palace when it´s mellow. That´s why I want to stop the Berzerkers."
"So where do we get into the picture?" Eddy asked.
"Well, Captain. I want you and Lexicanum Edward to guard the outer parts and Sergeant Ed will help me guard the barns and main buildings."
"Transportation?" Double D asked while chewing on the chicken.
"We´ll go through that tomorrow. Okay?"
"Okay." the Space Outlaws replied in unision.

As morning came, the Space Outlaws, Commissar Rolf and some Guardsmen had gathered outside one barn that didn´t look like the rest. It was bigger then the other ones. The Commissar stood by the doors and had a short speech:
"And so, like I told you a couple of weeks ago,the Space Outlaws has come to us too for liberation. The times when the Berzerker Warriors has terrorised us is over. The extermination of this.... scum has begun!"
Commissar Rolf made a sign to some Guardsmen to open the doors. When the Guardsmen had done that, a sound could be heard from inside. It sounded like a motor being revved up. With a thundering noise, a tank rolled out. It didn´t look like one off the Eldars tanks at all. It looked more the ones we use.
The arnament was a turrent mounted Battle-cannon, a hull mounted laser cannon and two side-sponsons with a giant sub-machine gun in each. It had the same camouflage colours as Commissar Rolf and the Guardsmen had on their clothing.
Commissar Rolf jumped up and on the tank.
"Sergeant Ed, please join me." he said and looked on Ed.
"Ok." Ed answered.
Eddy had a shock. Was Ed, a simple Sergeant, going to ride in a tank, and he, Eddy, a Captain, going to be a simple footslogger. Never. Eddy had too much ego for that.
"HOOLD IT!!" he shouted.
All the Guardsmen looked at him, so did Double D and Commissar Rolf too.
"What is it, Captain Eddy?" the Commissar asked.
"How are I and Lexicanum Edward supposed to get round your ownings?"
Commissar Rolf just sighed.
"Go into the barn. Further in, you´ll find a transport for you two."
The tank slowly rolled out. The Guardsmen spread out and disappeared. Eddy and Double D was the only ones left.
"Let´s see what he meant." Eddy said to Double D and so they walked into the barn.

*******Cut scene*****

What we see next is easy to describe. A hill in the middle of a crop field, and a distant rumbling sound, that gets closer and closer until....
"YAAHOOO!!!"
"EDDY! Don´t you think that you can slow down a bit!?"
A motor-cycle combination, about twice the size of a Harley Davidson (yes, twice), roars over the hillside. A flame-thrower is mounted on the side-car. Same blue colour on the bike as on the Space Outlaw armour.
With a thump, the bike landed on the ground. With a quick turn, Eddy made it go out on one of the nearby roads. He slowed down and made the bike to come to a stop. Double D just shot Eddy an angry look and stood up in the side-car. He puts a pair of binoculars to his eyes and looks around.
"See anything, Lexicanum?" Eddy asked as he rested his arms on the handle-bar.
"Nothing.....wait! I see smoke!"
"Where!?"
"About 4 km away! To the north-west."
"We´ll be there in less then 10 minutes." Eddy said and revved the engine.
"Hope so." Double D said while he loaded the flame-thrower with a napalm-tank.
With a roar, they drove away against the fire.

But, Berzerkers do have good sight, so when the two Space Outlaws got into range of their Bolt- pistols, they were fired upon in a hideous barrage of fire.
Double D didn´t hesitate at all. With a hissing noise, which turned into the noise of burning crops, he set fire to both crops and Berzerkers.
(If you have a weak heart, don´t keep on reading, this gets icky)
The Berzerkers screamed in terror as their armour caught fire, because of the burning napalm. Eddy drove off a bit, so he and Double D were not to be caught in the fire too. He was really surprised when one of the Berzerkers came staggering out of the fire.
"Probably the Sergeant." Eddy thought to himself.
"Shall we let him burn?" he then asked Double D.
"No, I´ll take care off him myself." Double D responded and jumped out of the side-car, with his Plasma-gun at the ready.
"Please, help me." the Berzerker Warrior grasped as he fell onto his knees before Double D.
"Why should I help you, Chaos filth?" Double D asked with an angry voice. Eddy shuddered when he heard Double D´s voice. It was full of hatred, a hatred not even the Kankers could evolve.
"I mean, shoot me, if Lord Kevlinn gets his hands on me, he´ll do something a hundred times worse."
"With pleasure." Double D said and lowered his gun against the Berzerker´s head. Eddy covered his eyes, as he knew what was coming. What had happend with Double D?
With a boofing noise, the Berzerkers head was blown off. Double D walked back to Eddy.
"I hope I never need to do that again." he said as he got up to Eddy and sat down in the side-car.

Meanwhile, Commissar Rolf and Sergeant Ed had little luck finding any Berzerkers.
"It has to be the engine in the tank that scares them." Commissar Rolf sighed as he looked around from the gun-turrent.
"I can use my jump-pack to make some follow me." Ed said and prepared to take off.
"Wait! Don´t! I see something at the horison."
"What?" Ed asked.
Commissar Rolf put a pair of binoculars to his eyes.
"A squad of 10...15...no! 20! 20 Berzerkers! Open fire!!"
The tank halted and the first gun to open fire was the laser cannon. After it came the Battle- cannon. When the shots of the laser had softened the Berzerkers up a bit, the Battle-cannon shot fell upon the Berzerkers. And covered them in red paint.
"What´s that?" Ed asked shocked.
"Oh, that. I use some shots as storage places for paint to my barns." Commissar Rolf said, and then went down into the tank. A little bit later he came up and said:
"Now, that´s fixed. Must have forgot that I had them in the tank. Fire!!"
As the Battle-cannon opened fire once more, the shot landed on target and eradicated the Berzerker Warriors completly.
Ed shot a look at where the sun was. It was getting late.
"I think we should go back. It´s getting late, Commissar." he said to Commissar Rolf.
"Yes, you´re right. Let´s go back to the farm."
The tank slowly turned round and the headed off back to the farm.

When Commissar Rolf and Sergeant Ed came back to the farm, all the Guardsmen squads were back, but not Eddy and Double D.
"I wonder were they are?" Ed asked himself.
A low, rumbling noise could then be heared. It came closer and closer.
"Commissar!" a Guardsman shouted. "I can see a bike, and it´s closing fast."
"What?" Commissar Rolf asked shocked from the gun turrent. He took a look in his binoculars.
"It´s Captain Eddy and Lexicanum Edward!" he shouted as saw them. "But, wait! They appear to be followed by......." he took down the binoculars. "Oh dear. READY LASGUNS*!!"
(*=A Lasgun is a laser rifle. Pretty good at penetrating armour.)
A unison clicking noise could be heared when the Guardsmen, Ed and Commissar Rolf readied their weapons.
Eddy and Double D came into the range of the lasguns, and then the Guardsmen could see what they were being chased by.
Berzerker Warrior Bikers.
With other words, Berzerkers on bikes. Ed made a quick order to Eddy and Double D with his com-radio:
"Jump off the bike so we can open fire!"
The Captain and the Lexicanum jumped off the bike. They landed softly on the ground. The Berzerkers just ingnored them upon seeing the new target; soft, easy-to-kill Guardsmen.
But they wouldn´t even have a chance to enjoy close-combat. The Guradsmen opened fired and shot down the Berzerker Bikers easily. By the time almost all were eradicated, Double D had got to his feet and unleashed a devastating salvo upon the last remaning Berzerkers. After that he helped Eddy to his feet. (You would also have a hard time getting up if you also were wearing Tactical Dreadnought Armour, a.k.a Terminator Armour)
"Captain, are you okay?" he asked as Eddy got to his feet.
"Yeah, I´m fine." Eddy made a short pause, thinking on the formalities. "Lexicanum."
Ed ran up to them. He had a smile on his face.
"Guess what?" he said.
"What, Ed?" Eddy replied as he dusted of some dust from his leg-armour.
"Tomorrow, we´re going back to Vindaree! And Commissar Rolf said that we´re are going to some place called Armageddon. That means we´re going in that cool Battlecruiser, Cardinal Boras, again!"
"Oh my, not Armaggeddon." Double D said silently to himself.
"What´s so bad with Armaggeddon?" Eddy asked as they walked back to the farm. Some Guardsmen were taking care of the bike and took it back.
"Armaggeddon is the home of Lord Kevlinn, Master of Evil and Battle." Double D answered and shivered.
"Oh darn? But look from the bright side, Lexicanum."Eddy said as they joined up with Commissar Rolf. "If we beat Lord Kevlinn, we can go home, to the cul-de-sac."
"There is no 'if'. You have to beat Lord Kevlinn and steal his power-axe;Axe of Khaine." Commissar Rolf said and looked a bit scared.
"I thought 'The Axe of Khaine' was an Eldar relic?" Dobule D asked.
"It was, until Lord Kevlinn stole it. The Eldar could do nothing." the Commissar responded and paused, then he said:
"The thing about him that bugs me mostly, is that he was a Space Outlaw, just like you three, once."
The Eds gulped.
"But don´t bother about that. Tomorrow, we´re leaving for his homeworld, and you are going to kill him, right?"
"Can´t we just turn him back to an Imperial soldier, like we did with Hive Fleet Kanker´s leaders?" Eddy asked nervously.
"No, his soul is to polluted of evil to be turned back. You must kill him!" Commissar Rolf said confidently.
"I was afraid of that." Double D said and looked like a nervous wreck.
"At least his finding his right self again." Eddy thought as he glanced at Double D.

After that, not very much happend. The Eds got to bed and tried to sleep, but it wasn´t easy. The most notably that happend, was Eddy´s conversation with Double D about what The Axe of Khaine was:
"So you´re trying to tell me that, The Axe of Khaine is capable of cleaving a tank in two?"
"Yes, Eddy. That´s why I´m afraid."
"But, we´re fearless Space Outlaws."
"I don´t know about you and Ed, but I´m still a 12 year old boy in my heart."
"Whatever." Eddy paused for a while. "Good night Lexicanum."
"Good night Captain."
"Good night guys." Ed said from a nearby bed.
"Good night, Ed." Eddy and Double D said in unision.
They all fell asleep, unaware what was awaiting them the next day......